04-30-08

I realized that the most painful thing you have to go through is to watch a loved one suffer before dying. I can still recall how exactly a month ago, I came home from an org activity only to find out that she was getting thinner and weaker. My heart always seems to jump out of my system every time I get bad news from my family. They really are my total weakness.

So there, the doctor’s confirmation of the family’s suspicion- of her having 4^th stage breast cancer- was a huge blow. I couldn’t look at her at first. She wouldn’t want to see any of us crying and I couldn’t help it.

She was my second mom. A friend. A confidante. One of the two godparents’ that’s still around after my christening. She was the one who’d compliment my Monday mornings. She had kind words for me. She was my mentor during primary school. An advisor to lots of things. She gave me my work through her connections. She’d pull pranks at us. She’d check on me when I get home from work every Friday nights. She had chocolates and delicious stuff in her room, which I’d lovingly munch on when she was or was not around. She’d lend me her things. I’d always hang out in her room, sleep at her bed, eat her food. She’s my aunt. My father’s sister. And she’s… gone

The hospital became our hotel room for several weeks. Friends started to notice my (even more) puffy eyebags. I always felt restless. She was getting worse, but she wouldn’t complain. I watched her almost every nights and midnights, in between catnaps. I became used to alarming machine sounds that signalled her vital signs and all. She wouldn’t eat because she couldn’t eat. She’d caress her chest and stomach, and when asked if painful, she’d just nod. Then she’d complain about difficulty in breathing. I saw how cancer was painfully taking the life out of her. I watched her fade - slowly, painfully.

The hardest part? Being there and standing helpless. If there was anything I thought I could do, it was to pray for her rest. Yes, I wished for her death. I know it would be painstakingly difficult to let her go, but it would be the best. On the night before her death, an inconsolable sorrow enveloped me. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t breathe but tears wouldn’t stop flowing. Then I was informed of her death. It was what I prayed for and God answered --- fast. He responded to our prayers in the most heartbreaking way. We couldn’t do anything but to grieve for our loss.

I know she’s at peace in God’s loving arms. She’ll always be in my prayers. I’ll see her in the faces of the ones whose lives she touched. It still gets lonely at times, especially when I realize that I only have two days during the weekends that I could see her, and now there are no more weekends to look forward to. It was like getting my heart broken all over again. My voice still cracks when I speak of her. And I still think of the occasions I might not enjoy because she’s not around.

When I think her, I always end up imagining the hospital room, the tubes to which her life depended during her last few days, the machines, the rushing nurses and doctors. For the second time, I had to be strong in facing a loved one’s death… I was triumphant in showing a brave face, but I’m all too weak really. The sight pained me to death.

If i had to do it all over again, I won't mind looking haggard taking care of you. As i usually tell people, it's called "labor of love". I guess i always have to deal with the painful scenario to relieve our fondest memories with you. Until we meet again.